So this weekend has been amazing. My church has been kind enough to pay for me to attend Beautiful Day Ladies Conference. I didn’t realise then how much it would change me life. I didn’t really understand why they want me to attend so bad, either. On Friday we had an amazing speaker. I thought her testimony would be the one that affected my life the most. But who knew I would be so wrong, we will get to that later, though. Hers was about mental illness, rape and being conceived from rape. My family has been hurt, destroyed by sexually wrong doing. I sadly knew about rape and molesting at such a young age. I lived in fear. Not because it happened to me, but because of witnessing it. My brother was conceived out of rape. I myself have suffered from depression since I was a teenager, I believe was caused of what I went though. I have been though a lot of counselors and all of short of medicine. From her I learned that the way you start life doesn’t have to be the way you continue or the way it ends. The sexual abuse, child abuse, being a single parent whatever you have in your family that continues getting past down can end with you. That I’m capable of putting a stop to it. On Saturday we had this wonderful speaker name Michelle. This was the third speaker of the day. I have been there since a little after 8, so by then I was tired and getting bored. Needless to say I wasn’t really paying attention. She got my attention when she said she got drunk one night and was rape. I started to listen. She then went all saying how she spent most of her time with her head in a toilet bowl. The holy spirit was in me, telling me I must talk to her, telling me that’s me up there. We all know how wonderful God is and how he set things up. She was our last speaker before lunch. We all headed to lunch, the spirit kept pushing me. She in front me, I stopped her saying I need to talk to her. I just broke down, saying I’m you. I beat myself up for that drunken night, I blame myself. I’m put myself in that situation. It my fault. I continue reliving that horrible night in my head knowing it just causes pain for myself. Sex is something I’m disgusted by, I have been used to much to think its enjoyable. Which is why I don’t find it hard to be a reborn virgin. I know I will wait until I married now. I’m tired of being disgusted with myself, I’m tired of having a fear of calories. I’m tired of taking laxatives, I’m sick of chewing and spitting the food out. I’m tired of starving myself. I’m tired of only eating if I know I’m about to throw it up. I’m tired of pigging out and then throwing up. I’m tired of obsessing over it and letting it control my life. I have never wanted or tried to get help with these things. I didn’t know I needed it, I figure I could just over come it by myself or it will just go away. I have never thought to tell my pastor about it. Michelle was very for me to talk to my pastor about it. So her and I did, my pastor insured me that she was her for me and that she would get me the help I need. That I’m going to overcome the darkness, that the evil has no control of me, that I don’t have to continue living this way. I honestly never expected to reach out for help. I love God and seeing the type of person he is guiding me to be. I’m so thankful.