You know what really disgust me? Bullying, hate. What makes people think its okay to make fun of anyone, especially something they can’t help. What is wrong with people these days. Making fun of anyone is making fun of Gods creation. I’m learning to embrace my speech issue. God made me this way, he obviously has a planned. I also believe I wouldn’t be so strong and have so much compassion for others if I didn’t have this issue. So instead of questioning why, I need to embrace it and thank Him for it. I need to realise how blessed I am, having a speech impediment that’s the only thing that really hurts me, the only issue I have. I have a good set of friends, a decent family, I’m pretty well off. I need to realise that I’m letting this hurt me is pointless. Its doing nothing for me but causing pain. It also makes me feel selfish, too. So many people are out there dealing with so much more. Some fighting for their lives, some dont even have homes, and sadly some dont even know about our wonderful God. I need to focus on all my blessings. I need to start making a difference in this world. I need to let God use me.
So this weekend has been amazing. My church has been kind enough to pay for me to attend Beautiful Day Ladies Conference. I didn’t realise then how much it would change me life. I didn’t really understand why they want me to attend so bad, either. On Friday we had an amazing speaker. I thought her testimony would be the one that affected my life the most. But who knew I would be so wrong, we will get to that later, though. Hers was about mental illness, rape and being conceived from rape. My family has been hurt, destroyed by sexually wrong doing. I sadly knew about rape and molesting at such a young age. I lived in fear. Not because it happened to me, but because of witnessing it. My brother was conceived out of rape. I myself have suffered from depression since I was a teenager, I believe was caused of what I went though. I have been though a lot of counselors and all of short of medicine. From her I learned that the way you start life doesn’t have to be the way you continue or the way it ends. The sexual abuse, child abuse, being a single parent whatever you have in your family that continues getting past down can end with you. That I’m capable of putting a stop to it. On Saturday we had this wonderful speaker name Michelle. This was the third speaker of the day. I have been there since a little after 8, so by then I was tired and getting bored. Needless to say I wasn’t really paying attention. She got my attention when she said she got drunk one night and was rape. I started to listen. She then went all saying how she spent most of her time with her head in a toilet bowl. The holy spirit was in me, telling me I must talk to her, telling me that’s me up there. We all know how wonderful God is and how he set things up. She was our last speaker before lunch. We all headed to lunch, the spirit kept pushing me. She in front me, I stopped her saying I need to talk to her. I just broke down, saying I’m you. I beat myself up for that drunken night, I blame myself. I’m put myself in that situation. It my fault. I continue reliving that horrible night in my head knowing it just causes pain for myself. Sex is something I’m disgusted by, I have been used to much to think its enjoyable. Which is why I don’t find it hard to be a reborn virgin. I know I will wait until I married now. I’m tired of being disgusted with myself, I’m tired of having a fear of calories. I’m tired of taking laxatives, I’m sick of chewing and spitting the food out. I’m tired of starving myself. I’m tired of only eating if I know I’m about to throw it up. I’m tired of pigging out and then throwing up. I’m tired of obsessing over it and letting it control my life. I have never wanted or tried to get help with these things. I didn’t know I needed it, I figure I could just over come it by myself or it will just go away. I have never thought to tell my pastor about it. Michelle was very for me to talk to my pastor about it. So her and I did, my pastor insured me that she was her for me and that she would get me the help I need. That I’m going to overcome the darkness, that the evil has no control of me, that I don’t have to continue living this way. I honestly never expected to reach out for help. I love God and seeing the type of person he is guiding me to be. I’m so thankful.
So today was definitely a bad day. The hurt of having a speech impediment really got the best of me. I just want to be normal. I’m tired of people thinking that I have an accent. I just want to be able to speak correctly. I’m tired of it holding me back in life, being scare when I’m around others. I’m sick of others thinking I’m stuck up because I’m shy. I’m sorry if I feel comfortable talking around people I don’t know. Why, why,did you make me this way? Will I ever understand why? Will I ever be comfortable with it, is it ever going stop hurting? Is it ever going to stop holding me back in life? I don’t want to be stress, sad or depressed over this. I want to over come this. Please farther, give the strength I need to deal with this. Give me the patience, wisdom and support. Help me understand the reason behind this. Please farther give me the healing of this speech impediment. Help me stay strong. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.
So I just got done reading a young man testimony, and it really got me thinking. His testimony was about being gay and giving that lifestyle up to live a Christian lifestyle. I would agree that his and mine are similar. The only difference is I did not or do not consider myself as a lesbian. I happened fell in love with a girl, her personality, I didn’t care what she was. I have always dated boy, being with a girl never crossed my mind. I was never attractive to them. I was 19 when I fell in love, we were co workers. I knew she was a lesbian which that didn’t brother me. We started working together a lot and hanging out. We became really good friends. After 6 months of knowing her, I fell in love with her. She was my first love, I have never felt this way with anyone else. I thought I would spent the rest of my life with her not only because I loved her but also I was afraid of being alone. I was weak and depended on her for everything, even my happiness. Our relationship was amazing the first 6 months. Then the start of fear of going hell starting going through my mind. She has always been a Christian, even went to a Christian school. We “tried” to attend her church as much as we could. No, they do not accept homosexuals. Myself was raised knowing about God and being a “Christian”. But I lived my life how I wanted to and not doing what God called me to do. I also rarely attended church. We continue dating but my fear of going to hell kept going through my mind and I believe that’s one of the reason why I fell out of love with her. I still loved her, I always will but I no longer was in love with her. The relationship became violence, we fought all the time. One fight got so bad the neighbor called the police and my step dad had to get her off of me. We had major trust and control issues. We both was miserable, I no longer was happy. After being together for almost two years, she was finally strong enough to end the relationship, I was too weak to do so. The ending of the relationship I became even more broken I didn’t know how to be alone. I didn’t know what to do with my life, my future was planned with her. I handle it by turning to drugs, alcohol and A LOT of sexually activities with guys. I partied a lot ever chance I got. I was weak, the hurt was too strong to deal with. Even though the sexual activities was emotional destroying me as well. I felt use and not good enough for anyone. I had no moral or self respect. I was disgusted and hated myself, I just want to be numb all the time. I no longer wanted to feel anything. I eventually got over her. I learned how to live without her. Time does heal a broken heart. I moved back home, stopped the drug use and the sexual activities. I did continue drinking and partying but only on the weekend with friends. I stop doing the bar scene. I became independent, I realised I’m responsible for my own happiness. I was no longer weak, I never felt so strong I know nothing can break me again. It my choice to be happy or not. I started going to the church we use to go to. I did a whole 40 day closer to God, I gave up drinking, which means I also gave up partying. Let me tell you I have never felt this close to God. It truly has changed my life, it was amazing the ending of my 40 days I got baptized. I no longer live for myself, I live for God. I have never felt this good about my life or my future. I never know happiness before like this. Before I was in that relationship I wasn’t happy, either. My adolescence years was not good. I suffer from depression, was on all type of medication. I seen tons of counselor and was in a lot of support/ behaviour groups. After being broken up for 2 years we are finally at that point that her and I are capable of being friends. She is still a lesbian or confused. Sadly she did not better herself after us breaking up. I also believe that why God blessed her back in my life. I’m just not her ex, I’m more someone that can give her godly advice, that she can turn to. Jesus works through me to get her on his path. I don’t know if homosexual is wrong, I have never truly researched it. I want my ex to be happy and live her life for Jesus Christ if she is able to do so while being a homosexual, then that is who she is, that is not my place to judge. I personally cant, I cant live my life not knowing. I’m also thankful that she is my only homosexual temptations and that I no longer have a desire of being with her. I’m extremely thankful for her and our relationship. I’m the person I am today because of her; I’m strong, independent, happy, fearless. Most important I now live my life for Jesus Christ.